Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Did She Really Say That?

I can't believe the things that have come out of my mouth this morning. For instance:

"I love my 1962 faux brick linoleum tile floor!"

My kitchen floor is the world's ugliest, discolored, hole ridden mess you have ever seen. In 1962 when our home was built, I know it must have been absolutely elegant. I know this because my mother has both Julia Child and James Beard cookbooks with photographs of them cookin' up French delicacies in kitchens with the exact same floor (and cupboards and stove before we replaced it).

This morning we had thunderstorms and the dog panicked. It took six beach towels to soak up the urine from my kitchen floor (ah, the joys of Great Dane bladders). As I was mopping up with disinfectant and looking over at the white carpeting in the hallway, and the gorgeous (but perhaps not so easy to clean) slate flooring samples in the living room, I just had to say, " I love my nasty old floor!"

"I can't wait to get on the Dallas North Tollway during rush hour!"

Check out my sidebar, folks. Only a few more hours until I get to see Ms. Jen Lancaster, squeee! OK, yes I know I've been instructed to never say 'squeee!' again, but in this case, I just can't stop myself. Now I just have to figure out how to have her inscribe my copy of Such a Pretty Fat: One narcissist's quest to discover if her life makes her ass look big or Why Pie Is Not The Answer.

Here are some ideas:

To Poppet, Who tells everyone that I briefly followed her Twitter updates, therefore we are close personal friends. Please return the boots with dog poo on the bottom that you stole from my porch. Best, Jen

To Poppet, Who claims to be my older, fatter twin sister and has filed to have her name legally changed to Jen 2.0. Thank you for the photographs of yourself in bathing suits that you keep sending to my publisher. I think we have enough now. Best, Jen

To Poppet, Whose Spouse has asked every night this week, "When is Jen coming? Are you sure she's not bringing her hubby, Fletch?" and whose children will be forced to make their own dinner tonight so she can stalk me, I am happy to meet someone who has her priorities in order! Best, Jen P.S. Don't bother taking down my license plate number, it's a rental.

Yep, that tollway is going to take me to see my idol tonight. If you see a woman driving north in a two door Cavalier with flashing lights and a snow plow attached to the front for pushing slower cars out of her way, that'll be me. See you there!