Friday, November 02, 2007

Just Say No

What is wrong with you people? It is not Lent. Why are you all running around in hair shirts, fasting and flailing yourselves before the holidays? No Candy on Halloween? Pledges to devote time every day to scholarly projects , training for triathlons, and (oh the Horror!) giving up Dr. Pepper for a month? No, no, no people! This simply will not do!

I am putting my foot down. Starting right now now, I expect everyone to eat, drink and be merry. Throw off your sack cloth and ashes! Follow me down the road to obesity, indolence and guilt free gluttony! Life is short! Live large! Step away from that project you've finally begun. Procrastination is what's "in" this season! Stair masters? Treadmills? Fie! Replace them with recliners and John Hughes movies on DVD. Come along people! Join me in the Lazy Self-indulgence Movement!

Anyone? Anyone? Ah. I see how this is going to be. Fine. Just don't come crying to me when you are all healthy and trim and your clothes don't fit anymore. Remember, I'm the one who told you to buy elastic waists.

And when your theses, dissertations, and presentations are done and you no longer have an excuse to beg off from going to see little cousin Timmy's recital? Remember that you could be staring at a blank piece of paper with a glass of wine and a box of ho-hos instead of smiling through Timmy's umpteenth wrong note.

Oh! and don't think I've forgotten about you budding novelists! When that book is published and you start getting letters from crazed fans wanting you to send signed copies of your novel for them to auction off at their Al-queda fundraiser, you just remember that I offered you advice that would have prevented these hassles.

Sheesh. I'm going now to put away the Halloween decorations and throw my gym clothes on. Or maybe I'll surf the Internet. I'll let you know later. Because right now? A nap sounds really good.

Today I give thanks for good health and inspiring women.

Update: I just took another look at this post and realize that I should have said I was giving thanks for INSPIRATIONAL women. I meant the word inspiring as an adjective describing the women cited in my post who I admire.