Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Back To School Blue Meanies

Some mothers can't wait to get the children back to school. Others get the blues. As for me, I get the blue meanies. Every new school year brings with it the opportunity for a fresh Hell, and with Bunnie starting Junior High I am trying to prepare for any eventuality. I know I can't. That makes me mean.

I think this quote from the lovely and talented Jennifer of Jen On the Edge says volumes: "I used to worry people would perceive of me as a 'helicopter parent' (constantly hovering). Now I know I'm a 'tank parent' (down there in the trenches with the kid) and I don't even care." 'Nuff said.

Now that you know why I am so hateful lately, I thought I'd share a few examples of incidents that prove I haint right in the head:

Habitually I leave home early and try to assume the other drivers on the road might have emergencies or bad days and normally I laugh off traffic. While driving to and from work Friday I cursed all the idiots weaving in and out, speeding and cutting off other drivers. I get stuck behind a particularly odious man in an open jeep with a bumper sticker that wants to know why we have laws protecting baby Harp Seals and not fetuses. I fight the overwhelming urge to (a) scream at him about laws to protect women from self important men like him who want to meddle in their personal medical care (b) throw something like a wet sticky milkshake into his back seat (c) ram him for having the nerve to drive slowly in front of me, taunting me with an obnoxious bumper sticker. (OK, for the record, that's why I don't cut people off in traffic or put bumper stickers on my cars.)

On Saturday I put the foster dog in his crate for licking my elbow.

On Sunday Spouse asked me how he looked. Instead of my usual "gorgeous as always" reply, I told him to change his shirt before leaving the house. He wanted to know why I could wear a sleeveless top and he couldn't. I then gave him an extended lecture on the difference between my beaded silk shell and his tank style muscle shirt. He's lucky I did not pull out diagrams and empirical data sheets to prove my point.

On Monday The Best Boss Ever gave me a nifty new piece of hardware for my computer. I looked for a USB Hub to plug it in. No luck. I pulled the CPU out, disconnected my flat bed scanner and plugged it in to the back. Everything installed just fine, but when I put my CPU back to normal I managed to dislodge some wires back there and my mouse and printer weren't working right. As I was struggling on the floor reaching for wires behind my desk trying to fix the mess, Best Boss Ever stops on the way out the door to ask what this was all about. After I explained, BBE looked at me funny then pointed to the light duty USB connections ON THE FRONT OF MY CPU. The stream of obscenities that flew from my mouth over the next half hour as I put my computer to rights were so blue, even the little bird who lives outside my office window cringed and flew away.

And so begins another school year and another week of the new school year blue meanies. I know I haint right in the head, but until sombody brings me a nice cuppa tea and my favourite blankie I think I will remain freaked out frantic Mum.