Friday, June 09, 2006

What's The Beef With Soccer Moms?

I just spent a small fortune having my hair cut by the man who does all the hair for the Miss Texas Pageant. I was feeling quite chuffed about my perky new do when my daughter announced "You look great Mom! Now your hair looks just like the other kids' moms! No, really, it's pretty just like our teachers'!" (shudder)

I love teachers, but they are no more likely to look glamourous for a dozen 5th graders at 6:30 in the morning than I am. As for the mom reference, I was hoping for hip young thing, not suburban matron when I plonked down my hard earned cash for a new look.

So what is this powerful force that compels me to distance myself from the rank and file of PTA/Soccer/Sunday School/(Insert your own extracurricular activity here) Mom? It's the whole SUV/Minivan Package. Every day I line up in the carpool lane at Bunnie's school sandwiched between gigantic vehicles sporting GOP bumper stickers and so many window decals proclaiming little Corey is on a private swim team and Megan is a cheerleading virtuosa that I know there is no chance in the world the Soccer Mom behind the wheel droning endlessly on her cell phone can see me.

Picture if you will, my little economy car being batted around the school parking lot like a mouse in a room full of cats. I'm not saying the other moms are out to get me, I'm just saying that my car has been backed into twice in just the last two years by cell phone yapping, designer jogsuit wearing, perfectly pedicured Soccer Moms.

We all know this gal. She's taking time out from her brilliant carreer to devote more time to her family. Her typical day is spent leaving notes for the household help and crabbing for three hours over lattes to her girlfiends over how stressed she is, then picking the kids up at schoool and shuttling them off to their tutors/coaches/ private instructors in a desperate bid to avoid actually parenting them.

She volunteers about twice a month to assist whichever child related organization she feels appreciates her most, but only shows up for about half of the volunteer shifts she signs up for. Of course she never misses any organizational meetings as she most likely volunteers for a seat on the board or officer's roster. A Soccer Mom collects titles and volunteer awards in a fierce mania to justify her bone idle existence.

Feel compassion for the Soccer Mom. She sports big cars, big jewelry and big designer handbags in an attempt to hide her big insecurities. In the grand scheme of life, getting mowed down by an SUV about once a year is a small price to pay for keeping one's self esteem in the suburbs. I'll gladly trade looking like Miss Texas for the privilege of being an active contributing member of my family and my community (please no titles or awards, thanks).